Session Ten:

The first thing that struck me when I came to live in a house with mentally handicapped people was that their liking or disliking of me had absolutely nothing to do with any of the many useful things I had done until then…

This experience was and in many ways is still the most important experience of my new life because it forced me to rediscover my true identity. These broken, wounded and completely unpretentious people forced me to let go of my relevant self – the self that can do things, show things, prove things, build things – and forced me to reclaim that unadorned self in which I am completely vulnerable, open to give and receive love regardless of any accomplishments.

I am telling you this because I am deeply convinced that the Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self. That is the way Jesus came to reveal God’s love.”

Henri Nouwen (1989) In the Name of Jesus, London, DLT, 15-17

• When are you tempted to find your identity in your ‘relevant self’ – the self that can do things, show things, prove things, build things?
• How might it feel to let go of this ‘relevant self’?

Consider the following conversation:

Author: ‘I am writing a booklet, to be called, Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?’
Other: ‘Do you want an answer to your question?’
Author: ‘That is the purpose of the booklet, to answer the question.’
Other: ‘But do you want my answer?’
Author: ‘Yes, of course I do.’
Other: ‘I am afraid to tell you who I am because, if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it’s all that I have.’

This short conversation reflects something of the imprisoning fears and self-doubt which cripple most of us and keep us from forward movement on the road to maturity, happiness, and true love…

None of us wants to be a fraud or to live a lie; none of us wants to be a sham, a phoney, but the fears that we experience and the risks that honest self-communication would involve seem so intense to us that seeking refuge in our roles, masks, and games becomes an almost natural reflex action. After a while, it may even be quite difficult for us to distinguish between what we really are and what we pose as being.”

John Powell (1999) Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?, Grand Rapids, Zondervan, 4-5

• In the Christian life, where do you see yourself or others seeking refuge in roles, masks, and games?

Sit with the statements on the cards for a minute or two and notice what challenges you most in what you read:

Suggested content from Cottrell Hit the Ground Kneeling (2008):

• In his book on leadership, Cottrell challenges the notion that a good leader should be ready to ‘hit the ground running.’ Instead, he recommends that we ‘hit the ground kneeling.’
• In a chapter entitled ‘shedding the thick skin,’ he discusses how vulnerability brings integrity and authenticity. He links this to the notion of having a ‘good heart’:
  • ‘In the Old Testament there is a beautiful passage in which the prophet Ezekiel speaks of God giving a new heart to his people. Their old heart of stone will be removed. Their lives will be changed. I am interpreting “heart of stone” to mean what we might call a thick skin… Our attitudes harden. Perhaps we have been hurt once too often. We stop listening and we stop learning. We stop moving. We stop changing. All of a sudden we have atrophied. What we need in these situations is a change of heart, but what the Bible promises is not what we might necessarily expect: “I will remove from your body the heart of stone,” says the prophet, “and give you…”, well what would you like instead? Most of us would probably plump for a “superbionic, never-to-be-broken-again” heart. That would seem a most desirable thing to have. But no, the promise is this: “and give you a heart of flesh” (Ezekiel 36:26). I will give you a heart that is better able to feel the pain of others because it is better able to enter into a relationship with them…’ (Cottrell, 2008: 70-71)
• Clearly, this is a challenge to us. When we’ve been hurt, often the last thing we want to do is open ourselves up to further hurt; sometimes the last thing we want or feel able to be is vulnerable.
• To do this requires healthy self-knowledge and resilience. It requires paying attention to our emotions and the emotions of other people. According to Cottrell, it requires emotional intelligence:
  • ‘This is hard to define but describes the capacity not only to handle your own emotions well, but also to recognise and understand and help manage the emotions of others around you. It is about self-awareness and self-motivation…’ (Cottrell, 2008: 72).
• ‘The conscious and intentional preservation of a thin skin is not a sign of weakness or naivety but a sign of emotional intelligence, the acceptance of the offer of a new heart – a heart of flesh – one that is in tune with the vision and in touch with those the vision serves’ (Cottrell, 2008: 72).

When you feel hurt of frustrated (when having a heart of flesh is hard), who do you turn to?

How do you make sure you share frustrations appropriately, honesly and confidentially?